If it's not your life....

Then don't try to run it. You don't know me as well as you think you do. And you definitely don't know my husband. You aren't married to him, you don't know him, the way he thinks, the things he says, or what he does. It's not your job to run our lives. So leave it be. We are married adults, we've been doing this for quite some time now. We're not pros at it, but we do a damn good job with everything we've got. We're in this for the long haul and we don't need you trying to tell us what we should and should not do. Let us be. And if you don't agree with something we decide, get over it. Stop getting all butt hurt over something that shouldn't even matter to you. We aren't going to do something based on what you think, because it doesn't matter to us. Whatever we decide, will be between the two of us, with careful thought and consideration to what matters most to OUR family.

A Brighter Day

So after many debates, tears, and discussion, I finally buckled down and agreed to go on medication for depression. It's pretty easy to tell from my previous posts that things weren't the best. I spent many days crying, I felt like life was crushing me, and I didn't have the energy to take of myself after a whole day with my son. I have always made sure his needs were met, but never considered myself. And now that my husband has been home, we have had many discussions, some more bad news, and I felt like life was literally beating me down. I couldn't get back up because every time I tried, I would be pushed back down again, to the point where I felt like I was suffocating.
And now...the little gray cloud that followed me everywhere is gone. It's almost amazing. I've been so against medication because of personal experiences, and it's been many years, but now I feel like it's the best decision I have ever made. I am happy again. Truely happy. I am giddy and excited and I do all sorts of things. I play with my son, I get chores done around the house, I run to my husband and give him a huge hug and kiss when he gets home. I feel like myself again. I feel like that missing part of me is slowly coming back. I feel like I can breathe. I feel normal.
It's a beautiful feeling that I haven't had in so long. I have let the past year and a half beat me down so bad. The list of disappointments extends longer than a roll of toilet paper. And yet, here I am, and I feel like I can handle this now. I've got a grip. I can take what life punches at me, and fight back. I can be prepard, and I can deal. I missed this.
Besides this, we spent this gorgeous day outside for a little while today. We went to a memorial park and flew a kite and had a picnic. The little man was so happy and excited, and the hubby and I were too. I loved it. I want to just lay out in the sun and tan again, soak up the warmth and energy. Tomorrow hubby has duty, so I'm not sure what we are going to do, but I am going to try to plan something for Sunday at least. It's too nice out to stay inside at all. I'm just not sure yet what I want to do.
My big boy is almost completely crawling. He has been rocking on his hands and knees for almost two weeks now. And has now gotten to the point where he will move a limb or two before sliding down and pulling himself where he needs to go. I keep putting off seriously baby proofing because we are just going to move in a few months. But he is so big now and entertains himself a lot. He is officially eating cheerios and LOVES it. I even gave him a slice of an apple today to chew on and he is just adoring the self feeding thing. The little bug is going to be so independant soon. Luckily for me though, he still loves napping with mommy and there are times where he just wants to be held and cuddled with. So I hope he stays all lovey for...well forever.
Hubby is trying to put in for an officer package. He will be taking the ACT here within the next few weeks and if he does well, then he is going to get everything together for the package. His chief even told him he could get really high recommendation from the command and they are completely behind him. So I am praying this works out. If not, I'm not sure what we are going to do. I know that hubby is on the fence about staying in if this doesn't go through. So I hope it does. He really truely deserves it.
As for me, I am busying myself with well, those two guys in my life. Trying to figure out things I can do for myself, and debating about taking some online courses. If not, then when we move I am probably going to start looking for a full time job or something and put the little guy into daycare. I know he would love the social interaction and I would love the independence of working again. The extra money never hurts either!
So as you can tell, much happier days are here, and I hope they stay. I feel almost 100% again, and it's a feeling that I have missed.

Har Har Har

Hmm, so after taking some time, having some ups and downs, and talking and planning. I still don't know how I feel about this military thing. Ha ha ha. No seriously, I think we're positive that hubby is going to have to reinlist, and that sucks, big time. And I have to become okay with this. So I am trying to plan around everything. Deployments and all that. I think this deployment I am leaving the state, for a very loooong period of time. Like basically I should pack up my stuff and move back in with family, because I'm planning to leave almost right after he does, and staying until half way through or something. I'm not too sure yet, but that's what it's looking like. My mom already agreed to watch the little man every night so I can try picking up a seasonal position somewhere to pass the time and bring in some extra money. Which is a very good thing.
My birthday is in two weeks. I can't really say I'm excited about it though. Last years really sucked, and while the hubby is actually going to be here for this one, I'm just not excited about it. We don't really know anyone, so it will just be the hubby and little man and me celebrating. Which isn't a bad thing, but it's not like we are going to do anything fancy. I think I might just take the day off too. Like go get a pedicure or something, or get a massage somewhere, get my hair done, I'm not sure, I just want to do something for myself, and not have to worry about anything. No stress or anything.
We are also planning a trip back out to see hubby's family this summer. And upon receiving the boats schedule have to replan things. Oh well, that's submarine life for you. I'm a little upset though because the past two years all we have done is go see family. I really just want to take a vacation just us. To go somewhere we want to visit. See places, do things. And not just sit around and stare at the ceiling and see people that we see all the time. Of course to them, it's never enough anyway.
Geez I realize my blog gets a little depressing. So good news, I am going on a play date with some other wives and their babies soon, and I am actually very excited about that! I know the little man loves meeting new people and it will be nice to take him around other babies and let him play and explore and me to have some time to just sit and talk with other moms. I'm excited to get to know them and to relate to other women on the boat. I haven't done enough of that, but I'm only so outgoing.
I am going to sign up for some mommy and me classes to take with the little guy, so that we have things to do. I want to go on a picnic this weekend. I am not leaving my husband because I realize that he is a wonderful man, and no matter how mad I may be at his job, it really isn't his fault, because he is just as screwed as I am. Lol. We went to dinner tonight and just talked about things and it was so nice and sweet. I miss that. Us going to dinner and talking about things and letting loose and enjoying ourselves. Little man was very well behaved too, and very fun. He is absolutely adorable still and army crawling his way through life. His first word is officially Mama and I am so pleased and proud of him. He is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me, and I adore him more every single day.
Anyway, this is long enough. Here's to a good birthday this year, and to having nice weather this weekend so we can get out of the house.

So Much to Think About...

I'm just ughhh right now. Mostly because I'm tired of this military thing. No seriously, I have literally dealt with it my whole life, and it doesn't look like it's going to end any time soon. I mean, hubby is so up and down with it. One day he loves it, the next he hates it. One day he agrees with me that we should just get out, and the next he wants to do twenty. I'm at a definite point of, I want out, I'm done, I'm sick of it. I want my husband home every day, at a definite time, and I want him to spend time with his son instead of coming home and just laying around on his butt while I still take care of everything. I'm just frustrated. I want to live around my family and not have to pack up and leave great friends every few years. I want my son to grow up in a stable normal environment with Mom AND Dad around. I want his daddy to be there for every basketball/football game, practice, event, graduation, anything my son says is important. I don't want to have to have to explain to him and try to make him understand that we have no control over it, nor do I want him to be bitter like I am because his father can't make up his mind about this, and gave up the chance to get out many times.
Maybe this would be easy if we had ever had a good experience in the military. Maybe if we haven't been screwed over many times I would be okay. Maybe if anything ever went right, if anyone could ever do their job properly, if we had ever had a command really stand behind their man and work to get him what he deserves (Not saying this command isn't like this, we just haven't been there long enough so I wouldn't know) then maybe, just maybe I would be okay with this. Instead, we just keep getting the short hand, the shit being blown out of the fan at us, and still my husband wants this? I can't understand it at all. I don't understand what drives him to do this continually, I'm sure part of it is us, that he wants to provide for us, and he knows that he can do it in the military, but seriously. I have explained to him that we do have other options, and he refuses to see them. I feel like my son and I are being condemned to twenty years in because he wants to do it. And I feel like I'm going to have some really huge BS sprung on me in the middle of a deployment. Which, isn't good. Everything in my heart tells me that we aren't making the right decision by staying in, but how do I explain this to him so that he understands?
No, today isn't a bad day, it isn't a "FTN" kind of day. It's just things I have had on my mind for a few weeks now. I need some place to lay them out because my husbands ear's are apparently too full to hear them.

It's so nice.

Wow, it's crazy, looking back and thinking about how much I felt like I was struggling just a few weeks ago. And now, he's home, and it's the best feeling in the world. I am picking myself back up again, and I am recooperating. It's just nice.
Hubby has been home for a little while now, and the best part is knowing that he is actually going to be home for quite some time, and not leaving after just coming home like how's it been the past six months. And he comes home, and everything is just right. My best friend is back. We watch movies, play games, hang out with people, go shopping, I'm cooking again, he's playing with our son, and I can do things, or just sit and veg, whatever I want. It fills me up with a happiness I haven't felt in a very long time. And knowing that it's going to last for awhile makes it even better.
Of course, I am nowhere near 100%. We aren't sleeping currently because of the little man adjusting to having Daddy home. And then, we stay up so late just talking or spending time together, and are up at 6 AM with the little guy. I don't mind it though. He's been in such a great mood since Daddy has been home too. I think part of it has to do with feeding off our emotions, which is interesting, and the other is just having his world back together again. It's so endearing. His first word is officially "Mama." I am so proud of him. He is babbling, and doing an army pull crawl thing, and just lights up my life. I wish I had more energy right now to give him, but probably in about another week I'll be up to speed again.
Hubby had duty today so I made him and all the guys food and bought chips and drinks since their galley is closed. It was really nice to be able to go see him, and get a good tour of the boat without a ton of guys running everywhere. And of course, there's nothing like having a bunch of men thank you and really appreciate you and love you because you brought them food, LOL. Hubby was like "Great...now everyone loves you." Secretly though, he adores me for the things I do. And of course, the little man got his fill of testosterone and a new place to check out. He loved it, he was talking up a storm to everyone in crews mess.
Of course though, while most everything is honky dory, I still feel like something is missing. Not in my husband or son, just in the fact that I need to find something to do for myself. Not like shopping, or checking out new places, but something for me. I have been tinkering with the idea of going back to school and just doing an online college. I can't decide what I want to major in though. I am going back and forth on psychology, information technology, or English. And if I just finish my two year degree, I can't get financial aid for a general two year degree. Which sucks. So I'm in a rough spot. I haven't really told the husband about it yet either since we've been talking about so many other things. Life just goes so fast when he's home, and then he's gone and the world seriously stops turning until he gets back. It gets a little annoying. :) But I know he will support whatever I decide, and I know he thinks it's great whenever I'm in school because I am happier when I am doing things for myself. I just don't understand how other mom's do it, because I feel like all my time and energy is eaten up by my two guys.
I guess I just need to sleep on it. Which, sleeping sounds like a fantastic idea...right..about...now.

So just when you think you've hit the bottom...

Like I said, just when you think you've hit the bottom, a hand reaches out, and stops you from falling anymore. You're lifted up, just a little bit, and you feel like you can climb the rest of the way out. People reach out to you, and it just kind of touches your heart. And family finally has a light click on, and they start to sincerely listen. And you get a few lines from your husband that give you the strength to keep going for a little while longer-

I can't tell you how proud I am of you for doing this, It just this deep down feeling of thats my wife and I bet no one else wife could come close to doing what you do without help. You are the best honey, the most wonderful mother and beautiful wife anyone could ask for.

What he doesn't know though, is that there are a bunch of other wives and mothers who do this every single day. Actually, he probably does know that and is just trying to make me feel better. :) It worked. I hope someday I can be as strong as these other women though. I really do admire them because it takes sooo much out of you.
Today is a brighter day though. I am trying to find activities to involve myself in, and hopefully this weekend I will get to make some new friends, and become better acquainted with others. I finally got an answer from my husband about what we are going to do in the upcoming years, and even though it was a, we'll have to talk about this, he did let me know what he thought and how he felt about staying navy. Which, is pretty much exactly how I feel, like it's not worth all the grief, but he is trying to think of the bigger picture and wants to take care of his family rather than just live bare minimum. I suppose I'm being selfish too when I tell him to just get out and I don't care what happens. This isn't about me, and he needs me to support him. I try to, most days, but when the bad days are here, they come with a vengeance.
So, starting today, I am going to put more effort into doing what it is that I need to do to stay strong and survive this. To not let the bad days over run my whole life, and to support him, in whatever way he needs me to, just like he does for me. I love that man :)

Irritation

I don't think anyone should have to read this, so stop now if you are. Fair warning, there is tons of bitching and moaning and whining ahead. So if you are here to judge, just stop, save us both the trouble, and let's keep our claws retracted.
So, hubby is now officially on a submarine as of almost two months ago. And let me tell you, I hate it. With a passion. My best friend has continually been taken away from me. I have no one to talk to, to share secrets with, to unwind to about the day, to help me around the house, to raise our son with, or to love on. He is gone, all the time. First because the navy decided to send him somewhere for some BS training, and now because the submarine needs him and they go out...all the time. In total, this year, I haven't even seen him for three weeks. Now I shouldn't complain too harshly, because I'm not the only person on the planet enduring this. There are plenty of other women out there who deal with this crap on a daily basis. But that doesn't make this easy. I knew when I married him that things would be hard, but did I think they would come under these circumstances? No.
I had no idea that we would become pregnant. I had not the slightest that he was going to receive orders to leave for three months, just a few weeks after our son was born. And I didn't have an inkling that he would go to a submarine that is gone, allllllll the time. I didn't know that submarine schedules change on a moments notice and you are thrown into oblivion as you change your entire plans change because all of a sudden your husband is going to be home. I didn't even really know that there would be days, or weeks, that you wouldn't hear from your husband, and you would be ripping your hair out because your child is screaming at you and you have had all that you can take. I mean, is there really any way to be prepared for that? Because I would like to know where the sign up sheet is for that.
All of this has made me come to the decision, that I don't want it anymore. There have been times within the past year that I have seriously questioned, is this worth it? And lately my heart has said, no it's not. No amount of money or benefits brings my husband home. Nothing gives him back the time he misses with his son. Nothing makes this easier, or better. Nothing calms the storm my mind rages when I ask him something important and I don't get an answer for a week or longer.
The worst part, is that I don't really know anyone here. I don't have a best friend, or even a good friend. I am too shy to be extremely outgoing. I have tried, but you can't exactly squeeze yourself into a group of people who have known each other for a long time and expect them to treat you like one of them. Not only that, but in the winter, no one can think of things to do together. When it snows, you are kind of trapped. And the state just doesn't offer the activities it does during the summer. So what am I supposed to do? I can't hang out with people I know, but don't like. And when the few people I know have their husband home and want to spend time with him, I'm not going to impose upon them.
I feel stuck, I feel trapped, but above all else, I feel lonely. My only friend and consolence is my son. The one person who is keeping me chugging along during the hard times. The only being that enjoys my presence and wouldn't have it any other way. His smiles and laughter light up my day and make me adore him all the more. I should give him more attention and love, but instead I stay wrapped around the computer checking my email every few hours in the desperate hope that I will get just a few lines from my beloved. Even if I didn't though, I don't always know how to play or talk to my son. I think he is kind of like me also in the sense that he wants time to himself to just play with his toys and explore and play and I can do what I like. I am grateful for that.
This time isn't ending fast enough, and while it's not much longer now, I feel like every hour, every second, every day just drags on. I seriously look at the clock every few minutes and wonder why today hasn't passed yet. Why isn't it the day that he comes home? Why isn't it a day when he is home and I am enjoying it? Why are there so many more days when we are apart than together?
The really sad part is that I have considered leaving my husband because I just can't do this anymore. My heart strings have been stretched to the breaking point. I feel like a part of me has just died. Ever since we moved out here a little more than a year ago, everything just feel apart. The one redeeming quality of here is that my son was born. That I have a new love and companion in him. Yet I feel like he is the reason I do anything anymore. My husband just isn't enough. My husband is the reason for this pain. Because I need him so much. And nothing is helping. I don't know what would help even if something could. I just hate the pain I feel and the constant hurt going on. I don't know who I am anymore other than his wife, and my sons mother. I don't have an identity and I can't do things by myself anymore. I don't enjoy activities, and the ones I do I never get the chance to do because I'm always taking care of my son.
Where do I go from here?....