Like I said, just when you think you've hit the bottom, a hand reaches out, and stops you from falling anymore. You're lifted up, just a little bit, and you feel like you can climb the rest of the way out. People reach out to you, and it just kind of touches your heart. And family finally has a light click on, and they start to sincerely listen. And you get a few lines from your husband that give you the strength to keep going for a little while longer-
I can't tell you how proud I am of you for doing this, It just this deep down feeling of thats my wife and I bet no one else wife could come close to doing what you do without help. You are the best honey, the most wonderful mother and beautiful wife anyone could ask for.
What he doesn't know though, is that there are a bunch of other wives and mothers who do this every single day. Actually, he probably does know that and is just trying to make me feel better. :) It worked. I hope someday I can be as strong as these other women though. I really do admire them because it takes sooo much out of you.
Today is a brighter day though. I am trying to find activities to involve myself in, and hopefully this weekend I will get to make some new friends, and become better acquainted with others. I finally got an answer from my husband about what we are going to do in the upcoming years, and even though it was a, we'll have to talk about this, he did let me know what he thought and how he felt about staying navy. Which, is pretty much exactly how I feel, like it's not worth all the grief, but he is trying to think of the bigger picture and wants to take care of his family rather than just live bare minimum. I suppose I'm being selfish too when I tell him to just get out and I don't care what happens. This isn't about me, and he needs me to support him. I try to, most days, but when the bad days are here, they come with a vengeance.
So, starting today, I am going to put more effort into doing what it is that I need to do to stay strong and survive this. To not let the bad days over run my whole life, and to support him, in whatever way he needs me to, just like he does for me. I love that man :)
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Irritation
I don't think anyone should have to read this, so stop now if you are. Fair warning, there is tons of bitching and moaning and whining ahead. So if you are here to judge, just stop, save us both the trouble, and let's keep our claws retracted.
So, hubby is now officially on a submarine as of almost two months ago. And let me tell you, I hate it. With a passion. My best friend has continually been taken away from me. I have no one to talk to, to share secrets with, to unwind to about the day, to help me around the house, to raise our son with, or to love on. He is gone, all the time. First because the navy decided to send him somewhere for some BS training, and now because the submarine needs him and they go out...all the time. In total, this year, I haven't even seen him for three weeks. Now I shouldn't complain too harshly, because I'm not the only person on the planet enduring this. There are plenty of other women out there who deal with this crap on a daily basis. But that doesn't make this easy. I knew when I married him that things would be hard, but did I think they would come under these circumstances? No.
I had no idea that we would become pregnant. I had not the slightest that he was going to receive orders to leave for three months, just a few weeks after our son was born. And I didn't have an inkling that he would go to a submarine that is gone, allllllll the time. I didn't know that submarine schedules change on a moments notice and you are thrown into oblivion as you change your entire plans change because all of a sudden your husband is going to be home. I didn't even really know that there would be days, or weeks, that you wouldn't hear from your husband, and you would be ripping your hair out because your child is screaming at you and you have had all that you can take. I mean, is there really any way to be prepared for that? Because I would like to know where the sign up sheet is for that.
All of this has made me come to the decision, that I don't want it anymore. There have been times within the past year that I have seriously questioned, is this worth it? And lately my heart has said, no it's not. No amount of money or benefits brings my husband home. Nothing gives him back the time he misses with his son. Nothing makes this easier, or better. Nothing calms the storm my mind rages when I ask him something important and I don't get an answer for a week or longer.
The worst part, is that I don't really know anyone here. I don't have a best friend, or even a good friend. I am too shy to be extremely outgoing. I have tried, but you can't exactly squeeze yourself into a group of people who have known each other for a long time and expect them to treat you like one of them. Not only that, but in the winter, no one can think of things to do together. When it snows, you are kind of trapped. And the state just doesn't offer the activities it does during the summer. So what am I supposed to do? I can't hang out with people I know, but don't like. And when the few people I know have their husband home and want to spend time with him, I'm not going to impose upon them.
I feel stuck, I feel trapped, but above all else, I feel lonely. My only friend and consolence is my son. The one person who is keeping me chugging along during the hard times. The only being that enjoys my presence and wouldn't have it any other way. His smiles and laughter light up my day and make me adore him all the more. I should give him more attention and love, but instead I stay wrapped around the computer checking my email every few hours in the desperate hope that I will get just a few lines from my beloved. Even if I didn't though, I don't always know how to play or talk to my son. I think he is kind of like me also in the sense that he wants time to himself to just play with his toys and explore and play and I can do what I like. I am grateful for that.
This time isn't ending fast enough, and while it's not much longer now, I feel like every hour, every second, every day just drags on. I seriously look at the clock every few minutes and wonder why today hasn't passed yet. Why isn't it the day that he comes home? Why isn't it a day when he is home and I am enjoying it? Why are there so many more days when we are apart than together?
The really sad part is that I have considered leaving my husband because I just can't do this anymore. My heart strings have been stretched to the breaking point. I feel like a part of me has just died. Ever since we moved out here a little more than a year ago, everything just feel apart. The one redeeming quality of here is that my son was born. That I have a new love and companion in him. Yet I feel like he is the reason I do anything anymore. My husband just isn't enough. My husband is the reason for this pain. Because I need him so much. And nothing is helping. I don't know what would help even if something could. I just hate the pain I feel and the constant hurt going on. I don't know who I am anymore other than his wife, and my sons mother. I don't have an identity and I can't do things by myself anymore. I don't enjoy activities, and the ones I do I never get the chance to do because I'm always taking care of my son.
Where do I go from here?....
So, hubby is now officially on a submarine as of almost two months ago. And let me tell you, I hate it. With a passion. My best friend has continually been taken away from me. I have no one to talk to, to share secrets with, to unwind to about the day, to help me around the house, to raise our son with, or to love on. He is gone, all the time. First because the navy decided to send him somewhere for some BS training, and now because the submarine needs him and they go out...all the time. In total, this year, I haven't even seen him for three weeks. Now I shouldn't complain too harshly, because I'm not the only person on the planet enduring this. There are plenty of other women out there who deal with this crap on a daily basis. But that doesn't make this easy. I knew when I married him that things would be hard, but did I think they would come under these circumstances? No.
I had no idea that we would become pregnant. I had not the slightest that he was going to receive orders to leave for three months, just a few weeks after our son was born. And I didn't have an inkling that he would go to a submarine that is gone, allllllll the time. I didn't know that submarine schedules change on a moments notice and you are thrown into oblivion as you change your entire plans change because all of a sudden your husband is going to be home. I didn't even really know that there would be days, or weeks, that you wouldn't hear from your husband, and you would be ripping your hair out because your child is screaming at you and you have had all that you can take. I mean, is there really any way to be prepared for that? Because I would like to know where the sign up sheet is for that.
All of this has made me come to the decision, that I don't want it anymore. There have been times within the past year that I have seriously questioned, is this worth it? And lately my heart has said, no it's not. No amount of money or benefits brings my husband home. Nothing gives him back the time he misses with his son. Nothing makes this easier, or better. Nothing calms the storm my mind rages when I ask him something important and I don't get an answer for a week or longer.
The worst part, is that I don't really know anyone here. I don't have a best friend, or even a good friend. I am too shy to be extremely outgoing. I have tried, but you can't exactly squeeze yourself into a group of people who have known each other for a long time and expect them to treat you like one of them. Not only that, but in the winter, no one can think of things to do together. When it snows, you are kind of trapped. And the state just doesn't offer the activities it does during the summer. So what am I supposed to do? I can't hang out with people I know, but don't like. And when the few people I know have their husband home and want to spend time with him, I'm not going to impose upon them.
I feel stuck, I feel trapped, but above all else, I feel lonely. My only friend and consolence is my son. The one person who is keeping me chugging along during the hard times. The only being that enjoys my presence and wouldn't have it any other way. His smiles and laughter light up my day and make me adore him all the more. I should give him more attention and love, but instead I stay wrapped around the computer checking my email every few hours in the desperate hope that I will get just a few lines from my beloved. Even if I didn't though, I don't always know how to play or talk to my son. I think he is kind of like me also in the sense that he wants time to himself to just play with his toys and explore and play and I can do what I like. I am grateful for that.
This time isn't ending fast enough, and while it's not much longer now, I feel like every hour, every second, every day just drags on. I seriously look at the clock every few minutes and wonder why today hasn't passed yet. Why isn't it the day that he comes home? Why isn't it a day when he is home and I am enjoying it? Why are there so many more days when we are apart than together?
The really sad part is that I have considered leaving my husband because I just can't do this anymore. My heart strings have been stretched to the breaking point. I feel like a part of me has just died. Ever since we moved out here a little more than a year ago, everything just feel apart. The one redeeming quality of here is that my son was born. That I have a new love and companion in him. Yet I feel like he is the reason I do anything anymore. My husband just isn't enough. My husband is the reason for this pain. Because I need him so much. And nothing is helping. I don't know what would help even if something could. I just hate the pain I feel and the constant hurt going on. I don't know who I am anymore other than his wife, and my sons mother. I don't have an identity and I can't do things by myself anymore. I don't enjoy activities, and the ones I do I never get the chance to do because I'm always taking care of my son.
Where do I go from here?....
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